I cannot figure my purpose for life. I wish it would be making video games, that would be oh so meaningful for my idealism. It is one big reason why I joined an engineering school.
I have worked as a web developer. Very successfully, at least on the resume. Not so sure I can consider that a successful endeavour judging where I am at now.
Why am I not more driven? Why am I not creating? Why am I not the person I thought I was? Maybe I am someone else. I surely still have to figue myself out.
It all feels pointless because I keep looking at the clock instead of living. I know why… Kind of. It’s my brain wired to think.
Think Think THINK! "Oh That writing sounds meaningful you should share it. Maybe people will like reading it, maybe you can make a blog out of that…" Maybe Maybe MAYBE.
SHUT UP
I’ve not even finished WRITING THAT UP THAT THOSE INTRUSIVE COGS KEEP TURNING< > I DON’T WANT TO MAKE ANYTHING OUT OF THAT LET ME OUT> LET ME LIVE MY THOUGHTS IN THE NOW
I am tired of looking ahead. Tired of being anxious. I just want to live. Have a purpose, do something that I would be happy of.
I keep seeing flashes of the Ikigaï in my head. A system… A logical analytical solution ready to mince any idea. “Oh that wouldn’t work”, “Oh you need to do that”.
FUCK IT, let me do what I want.
Like you’re smart. MIND sending me endlessly on Twitter. Like you do what’s best for me. A failure, that’s only what you want me to be. Addicted to easy gratification, IMPATIENT. You want me to be a slave of those moments where I can get a shot of dopamine. Drugged in your dystopia. You want me your slave, slave to an internalised system I created to protect myself. Poison to my soul. I despise you, you are everything ugly about me and the world. I wish I was dumb, so that I wouldn’t have to listen to you. I am accomplished only in your fantasy. Already seeing myself being a succefful writer as I write GIBBERISH < > JUST STOP
SUCCESS, RECOGNITION, ego trips. DESIRES OF SUPERIORITY. WHY AM I DREAMING OF DOMINATION IT DOESN’T MATTER. DO YOU WANT A REVENGE? CHILD <> LIFE IS NOT A GAME> YOU WON’T BE HAPPY WITH SUCCESS.
Dream better.
I wish my fantasy was to meet a best friend or rekindle a lost friendship. I wish I was a better person. Is it my mind or me pushing others away? Does it even matter?